doug.de.visser.blog

Tears in a Dixie Cup

2010-01-08T22:00:00.004-07:00

This is for Katie. This is because she deals with all the difficulties of a long distance relationship all for my sake. she looks out for me and supports me from 1200 miles away.
and i appreciate it, and her, more than i could ever tell her.

Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much.
Sam: I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

This is a drawing of a scene from Garden State.

Click HERE to view the full image on Deviantart.

Hey Bats!

2010-01-07T17:52:00.003-07:00

My buddy loaned me a great game, Batman: Arkham Asylum. It inspired me greatly to at least try and attempt to draw Batman. Really fun. Perhaps more importantly, I have put together 2 straight days of posts. Let's hope I can keep this up.

Please visit my Deviantart page to view the full image HERE.

New Years Resolution

2010-01-06T19:31:00.003-07:00

Its 2010! Happy New Year!

I decided to start my new year of blogging with a list of new years resolutions.

1. First and foremost I want to blog once a day, either write something or show something creative. I really want to expand the viewer base and get REAL conversations going in the comments section.
2. I wanna get a job, a place, and a car.
3. I wanna visit Vancouver.
4. **PERSONAL SECRET RESOLUTION**

I'll talk to you guys tomorrow! If you would like to share any of your resolutions feel free to place them in the comments section!

The Act of Creation

2009-11-18T11:59:00.004-07:00

hey kids.

I got this overwhelming feeling. this craving. this desire. i think we all have it. i assume we do. let me know if i am off base on this. we all need to create. creating is the very essence of humanity. agree? disagree? let me make my case and then we can chat. my argument is this:

the act of creation is what gives us humanity.

think about it. who do we hold in the highest regards? people who create. they give us hope. von braun created the saturn v to carry our dreams alongside neil armstrong to the moon. george washington and the rest of the founding fathers created a nation built on freedom and justice. damon album and jamie hewlett created the gorillaz out of a mere concept.

we worship and admire a God who is said to have created all things. we have the ability to create our own futures. we create situations for ourselves every single day.

i create artwork. i create visual elements. you create a safe environment for the community by being a police officer. you create the technical elements for a petroleum company in utah. you create the budget for a symphony in downtown denver. you create the films that are shown at film fests in los angeles. we all create. every day we create. we create the blog for you to read. we create the ideas for you to mull over. we create.

i have a friend who is equally fascinated with this concept of creation. he recently told me that his girlfriend was pregnant. and one of the first things out of his lips were "this is the ultimate act of creation." now i'm not saying i necessarily agree with this, but the concept itself is important enough to at least think about.

creation is not always positive. stalin created an atmosphere of intolerance and fear. the manhattan project created the atom bomb. hitler created the greatest war ever seen. an abusive boyfriend creates a feeling of distrust in a girl.

negative or positive. this act, this ability to create, is something that should never be taken for granted. it is your right. it is something you should always be conscious of. something to always be mindful of. at any given moment you have the creative potential to bring anything into being. never forget that at any given moment, YOU have the ability to save the world.

...and at any given moment you have the ability to destroy it.

New Website "Dial" Preview

2009-11-16T16:54:00.002-07:00

hey ladies and gentlemen!

I have been working diligently on new interactive feature for my website, and i wanted you all to know i hadn't forgotten about you, or my goal of posting more artwork, so for now, i shall just post a quick preview of what i have been working on.

Enjoy!

Avalanche Background

2009-11-09T16:10:00.003-07:00

Here is a Colorado Avalanche Background that i created for my computer to show my undying support for a team that is tearing up the league. keep it going avalanche!

Click the image to see a larger version, and feel free to download it for your own personal use!

I will try to be updating more often, I really want to get my creativity jump started.

The future... TODAY!

2009-09-23T18:18:00.001-06:00

Time to move and grow and live.

Prepare for more updates!

facebook wisdom

2009-05-27T03:06:00.002-06:00

a facebook status update i posted:

"Sometimes there's a moment so subtle but so wonderful, you can't help but wish that it lasts forever. ...but it never does."

a friend's response:

"Luckily, you've got the next one to look forward to."

God bless good friends and words of wisdom so simplistic profound that any further explanation would surely soil it.

today

2009-05-27T02:44:00.002-06:00

This place is virtual.
It is a disconnect from the everyday.
a digital fabrication.

I live to bridge the gap between this and life. between analog and digital.

why have i not been on here in a while? I am scared.
what to share? what to keep private?

what to shout and proclaim, and what to keep in my hand and produce my poker face?

there are many things in my life that i am proud of, or happy about, or excited beyond words about. but do i share them in such a public venue? or do i hold fast to my own thoughts.

a professor of mine once told me she keeps 2 sketchbooks. one just for her, no one else is allowed to see. and one for public viewing. this is how a brain is organized. An award is won, and bragging is in order. her velvet toe caresses your calf privately in a group of people and you melt, that gets written in your hidden sketchbook.

I read bukowski and he pours himself onto a page. his flaws, his hopes, his loves, his passions, his desire to change and live and breath and make love and dance and think and to just be...

and i think to myself, do i have what it takes to pour myself out? should i? look at how much of life is relationship. how much is connecting. by putting myself out there i extend the web of relationships into the virtual as well. to express my sorrow at a friend's choice would propel that friend into a world he may not feel he belongs.

This blog is a fickle. I desperately want to make you think. i want you to relate. i want you to breath in my passion and emotion and exhale it as your own. but i don't know where to draw the line between connecting and divulging.

perhaps, someday.

scotch_mist

2009-05-07T13:55:00.002-06:00

"Midsummer's day in a graveyard.
Easy jets crawl across the sky into the west wind.
I read 'in loving memory of' and 'what will survive of us is love',
'love is eternal, here rests for a time'.
Perhaps the dead lie happily in the well tendered plots,
or perhaps they prefer the forgotten, overgrown corners.
Perhaps they prefer their names obliterated by time and the weather,
perhaps not.
There was only the sound of the strong west wind in that place.
And I wasn't there for very long before i thought,
that i should leave."

sally fighting (painting version)

2009-04-30T15:45:00.003-06:00

sally fighting (illustration version)

2009-04-22T12:41:00.001-06:00

Phone

2009-04-22T02:19:00.003-06:00

my poor phone. for whatever reason it just decided to die on me yesterday. and by die i mean lag up and get incredibly hard to use.

SO i went into the Sprint store expecting them to tell me how much i'd have to pay to get it fixed. and they just said "we ordered you a free brand new one! it'll be in tomorrow!" and i quickly left before they could change their minds about the "free" part.

i am a little skeptical it will actually work out, so i will have to let you all (if anyone even reads this stuff) know how it goes.

pray i get a free replacement, because i just don't know if i can't afford much more than that.

Also, i entered a poster contest earlier this month and they will announce the winner on May 1st. i'll talk more about it tomorrow. :D

Relationship

2009-04-18T00:16:00.002-06:00

"You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game. Sometime when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you, and that means someone can love you again... and that will make you smile."

-H. J. Simpson

Multiple Universes...

2009-04-16T11:56:00.002-06:00

If there are multiple universes, are there multiple dougs? I wonder how they are holding up, what they are doing, who they are loving, where they are living, what they are wearing, what they are listening to.

there are so many different ways i could be living my life, and i'm be fascinated to see how another one of me would take advantage of that.

I'll post my previous painting soon, with a full description. but right now i must start a new one.

idle hands make for the devil's work.

New Rule

2009-04-14T17:51:00.002-06:00

I am gonna try to become more active in my various online communities. and i will start with this one.

There will be a new update at least every single day.

It may only be a sentence or so. but i would really like to keep this updated.

That's my goal.

:D

I'm a pill on your tongue.

2009-03-10T02:36:00.002-06:00

"Is the rise of an eastern sun, gonna be good for everyone?"

God Exists

2009-02-25T15:53:00.004-07:00

"God Exists"
By Doug De Visser
Feb. 2009
Photoshop CS4
Dr. Manhattan from the graphic novel Watchmen. Click on the image to view in full.

newness

2009-02-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

website is epically close to being finished....

i'm stoked.

be prepared for it to launch very soon. ;)

fire

2009-01-29T02:52:00.001-07:00

rules

2009-01-25T22:22:00.003-07:00

Bob Parson's is the founder and CEO of the godaddy.com. I always figured he was just a chauvinist male who loved hot models and liked to name his web domain company things like "go daddy". well i am just as shocked as you are to discover that he may be a genius. his advertising always creates a stir and well, hell, everyone knows what godaddy is (i've even used their services a couple times in my life).

but more importantly Bob Parson has created 16 rules to run your business and your personal life by. and i thought they were pretty darn awesome. so i wanted to share them with you.

1. Get and stay out of your comfort zone.
2. Never give up.
3. When you are ready to quit, you're closer than you think.
4. Accept the worst possible outcome.
5. Focus on what you want to have happen.
6. Take things a day at a time.
7. Always be moving forward.
8. Be quick to decide.
9. Measure everything of significance.
10. Anything that is not managed will deteriorate.
11. Pay attention to your competitors, but pay more attention to what you're doing.
12. Never let anybody push you around.
13. Never expect life to be fair.
14. Solve your own problems.
15. Don't take yourself too seriously.
16. There's always a reason to smile.

affection

2009-01-23T15:45:00.003-07:00

i just got adobe's cs4 suite today. a new dawn has come for me. :D

There is a lowland gorilla named Koko. Koko was taught american sign language as an infant, and began to learn and develop in ways no one could have predicted. She now can understand spoken english, but her vocal chords are not condusive to speach, so she still signs responses.

Growing up, one of her favorite story books involved a few kittens. She became enamoured with cats and began to ask for one of her own. Her handlers eventually gave in and got a tailless cat for her that she named All Ball. To Koko, the tiny kitten resembled a small ball.

They became quick friends and it was discovered that something as small, delicate and fragile as a tiny kitten could be lovingly cared for and handled by such an enormous, powerful beast. They formed a bond that can be described as mother and offspring.

Sadly, All Ball was later run over by a car near the gorilla center. When told that her new best friend would never be coming back, Koko signed "Bad", "Sad", "No" and "Cry" among other things. She sulked in the corner the rest of the day. That night, after everyone had gone to bed and her room had been locked up, everyone in the camp could hear her beating her chest and emotionally howling in a manner that can not be seen as but mourning.

This is dedicated to their friendship. May it inspire all who hear their tale.

"Affection"

my ship will sail tomorrow.

2009-01-23T03:06:00.003-07:00

I'm obsessed with nautical themes lately.

sailing. ships. sinking. and captains.

particular captains on ships that are no longer sailing, but sinking.

and as is common knowledge, the captain always goes down with the ship. that is one of the most intense procedures ever. it was as if that very concept was conceived by people looking for the greatest metaphor of all time. it ACTUALLY serves a better purpose as a metaphor than an actual practice.

but in fairness it is one of the most epic metaphors ever. i love it. <3 it rather.

that brings me to my next topic.
_____________________________________________________________
if you could be any animal, what would it be?

i asked 13 folks that question and here is the results.

snow owl, snow owl, lynx, house cat, siberian tiger, otter, bald eagle, leopard, eagle, snow leopard, sea otter, mountain gorilla, firefly.

that is 4 birds, 5 felines, 1 primate, 1 insect, and 2 otters.

notice the large numbers of birds and cats? i'll touch on that later.

the girls answered: lynx, house cat, eagle, snow leopard, sea otter, firefly.
3 cats, 1 bird, 1 insect, 1 otter.

the guys answered: snow owl, snow owl, siberian tiger, otter, bald eagle, leopard, mountain gorilla.
3 birds, 2 cats, 1 primate, 1 otter.

Here is my opinion on these findings:
1) The feline kids (particularly females) see cats as graceful, agile, and independent. as being cute, but strong. fuzzy but with claws.
2) The bird kids (particular males) see birds as free, graceful, and containing the superhero personification of flight.

I think that you can tell a lot about someone's inner desired attributes by the animal they choose. they animal usually holds that persons most wished attributes, they contain something that person strives for in their own being.

for instance.
I chose the Mountain Gorilla for 5 major reasons:
1) as youngins they are adorable, and they love to play. seeing an infant gorilla play is something joyous that can't be expressed in trivial words in a blog. climbing, running, playing, swinging, summer saulting, etc.
2) They are extremely powerful, physically. the shear strength is something to behold.
3) They form tight social networks. once these bonds are formed they are rarely broken and it is hard for an outsider to gain entrance to such a group.
4) They are wise. so very wise. being able to raise pets, to learn language, to communicate on levels beyond the superficial, to feel, to love, to know, to see, to observe, to understand. they are so human that it can be creepy, but thats what makes them so extraordinary.
5) the patriarch of each group is the silverback, and this leader is seen as the captain of a ship (see how i pulled this thing full circle? ;) )

these are all things i wish i encompassed with my personality. adorable playfullness, power, social skills within groups, wisdom and leadership qualities.
______________________________________________
see how something as insignificant as "favorite animals!" can pull from it something profound about the individual answering the question? there is no such thing as overanalyzing. analysis is what makes us humans. it is what gives us our humanity. never lose that ability.
_______________________________________________
and i'm working on a piece for my portfolio on gorillas, i'll hopefully finish tomorrow and get it posted up here for you kids to see. :D

this is how i feel.

2009-01-21T02:08:00.002-07:00

Look out your front door
There's a ship coming in
I can't tell you what it brings
So carry your grief
on down To the port
Tonight we're bound for other shores

We live like the sun:
Coming up, coming down
Ever distant
Ever proud

Now a world unfolds
Shall the young never see
All the wounds that never bleed
All the wounds that never bleed
All the wounds that never bleed

Just hold the line
You'll find my time's
Not enough
And I'll hold the line
You'll find my time's not enough

Can beauty be stark
So sad and wise?
Just like an ocean in your eyes

Can I carry your load?
Can I slip in your skin?
I'm on the outside looking in
Outside looking in
Outside looking in

And just hold the line
You'll find my time's
Not enough
And just hold the line
And you'll find my time's
Not enough

It's a peace that I'm defending
I don't know, son
I don't know, son
Knowledge comes with price unending
I don't know, son
I don't know, son

Just hold the line
You'll find this time's
Not enough

There's a light on your face
And a hope on the breeze
A knowing whisper in the trees
There's money to burn
And books to read
Another lie to be believed

"Hold the Line" Pilot Speed.

Today abridged

2009-01-18T22:46:00.004-07:00

Still can't find a retail store that sells the software i need. i think i have checked 2 dozen stores. I THINK i got it figured out tonight, but it may involve driving a bit tomorrow.

I lost a hockey game for my team. i'm very dissapointed in myself.
I want to scrub my equipment to get the awful out of it.

Allison Sudol just became a million times more awesome. who would have guessed?

I also found the most profound inspiration i have found in a while. when i find a good way to share it with you, i will. just dropping a name won't get the point across correctly.

symbolic rose.

2009-01-16T19:27:00.001-07:00

a rose is very cliche. very overdone. it is very symbolic. maybe overly symbolic. it brings back a different memory for every person. but all the memories are really the same.

i gave her a bouquet of roses.
i never expected to see them again.

i went back days later.
to my surprise they sat wilted on her dresser.
she had kept them.

i went back weeks later.
i checked the dresser to see if my symbolic gesture still remained.
they were gone.
no doubt thrown away.
she saw me look.
she showed me a bowl of potpourri made of dried rose petals.

i never went back.
months later i received a letter.
it contained not only carefully worded prose,
but a couple delicate rose petals.
they looked months old.

it is now years later.
what became of the roses?
thrown out, no doubt.
like everything they represented.

such is the plight of the rose.
such is the pleasures of the damned.

Frustration Galore

2009-01-14T23:28:00.002-07:00

So here is the story.

I get a fantastic, out of this world, 1tb external hard drive as a gift (thank you so much, by the way) and i decide before i use it to back up all my files, i should organize my files so that later i won't have to organize them twice. sounds logical, right?

So i start by moving all my music into one centralized location. no easy task considering the amount of music i possess. What happens is itunes is so unbelievably simple minded that it says the songs can't be played because the links are broken. so i make the mistake of telling itunes where all the music has gone only to get thousands of duplicates, 1 of which has the dead link attached. so i decide to delete my library and reinstert my library from the centralized folder, HOWEVER itunes manages to delete some of my favorite albums in the process. not ALL. that would make too much sense, only some. bullshit.

so i swear. and i weep. and i sulk.

and then i realize all my music is still on my ipod. so i download some sketchy program to get my music files FROM my ipod TO my PC. because apple hates making things easy and has always been against information going from ipod to computer. if you could do that then apple would lose control. i swear, apple is the bleeding heart liberals of the computer world. "the average (computer user/american citizen) is too stupid to make decisions for themselves, lets set up a system in which they have little to no choice, because we, as the higher ups, are more adept at making such decisions". that quote was by Obama/Apple.

Anyway, i digress.

So i get all my files back from my ipod, have to go through a few hours long process of discovering which process's work and which don't. i have to delete vast amounts of data, move vast amounts of data, copy and paste vast amounts of data. but i think i am close to solving the issue. oh so close...

please dear Lord let this work.

I'm waiting for files to paste correctly, so i decided to take a moment to vent to you guys. i'll let you know how everything turns out....

Brings chills up my back.

2009-01-10T12:46:00.003-07:00

I can't think of anything that puts chills down my spine quite like important moments in hockey history. whether its a 4th overtime playoff goal that allows a team to advance to the next round, the time honored tradition of shaking hands after a playoff round, a rivalry packed with so much emotion that more punches than shots hit their target... I can't get enough.

I found this image and it gave me those exact chills, and i wanted to share.

Boulder is Burning

2009-01-09T00:34:00.003-07:00

Man, that wild fire in Boulder the last few days have been of the most thought provoking epicness. Can you imagine having to be evacuated and to pick and choose what you wanted to keep and what you would allow to be destroyed by leaving it behind? tough decision. I guess i'd snag my computer. at least the tower. hmmmm... hurts my head thinking about it.

I decided it might be fun to think over everything I have learned in the previous few weeks. in a numbered format. cuz i love me some lists.

1) I learned that being a friend can be any number of things. For instance: a friend is someone who has a drink and then thinks about a friend who isn't there at the time and decides since it has a nice cherry flavor and a low alcohol volume that that friend would love said drink, and then remembers to tell him next time they are at the liquor store. Another for instance: a friend is someone who watches his friend's cousin nervously prepare to play hockey with a group of people he has never seen before by taping his fly shut with american flag tape, and then precedes to put the same tape on his own crotch for the sole purpose of helping the cousin fit in.

2) I don't know if a friend is supposed to be honest with his friends or support them blindly. If a friend is doing something stupid do you sit him down and tell him? or do you stand loyally behind him through it all? I don't know...

3) My list of celebrity crushes has grown to two.

Allison Sudol

Lynn Collins

But of course, Miss Sudol always tops the list. ;)

4) Instant Netflix is incredible. I love watching obscure things at a moments notice and just absorbing and sketching the whole time. I am being exposed to things i never would have normally.

5) My computer is running REALLY slow. I think its time for new RAM. which makes me sad.

6) I have learned that it is important to have people you care about in your life. Especially if you can find that one certain person who wants to hear everything about you. the good. the bad. and you actually want to share it all.

7) I think Andrew Raycroft is better than Peter Budaj.

8) I love my cousin more than i should admit online. He is one of the best friends i have ever had. he is something i aspire to be. and it tears me up when he leaves to go back to North Carolina.

9) I have a deep respect and healthy fear of fire, but I am awestruck by its shear power and speed. There is nothing else like it. and to watch it is pure poetic destruction.

That's all for now. I hope to get alot of work done tomorrow. and therefore need some sleep! goodnight all you beautiful people. :D

numb.

2008-12-29T03:02:00.006-07:00

3 am. sunday night.

Being alone with your own thoughts can bring about some of the most profound ideas and can also create some of the most consumingly detrimental thoughts ever produced.

tonight, i went from one to the other, over and over and over and over again.

I am in need of sleep, but while in this contemplative mood i think it best to try to publicly analyze it. As a person who has been educated, and in the coming weeks hopes to be employed, in the creative realm i find myself constantly disecting and deconstructing ideas and concepts. To pull something apart and see everything in its individual components is a way of better understanding it. and then by reassembling those pulled apart ideas back together you are able to see how the pieces fit.

i can use these principles to see the ideas that the soviet union was founded upon, i can use the ideas to understand the metaphor in a donald judd piece, i can use those principles to see why the code for my new website is failing.

but i can't use the principles for something i don't fully understand in the first place. it's like seeing a car during the middle ages and being asked to identify each individual component and then reassemble it, so that you understand the function and place of each piece by itself and then as a small part of a greater whole. it would be impossible.

There are things that i should have learned a long time ago, and i never did. i am stunted in foundation of my human knowledge. One of these days it will bite me in the ass. i will be forced to admit my underdevelopement in certain areas and force those that i either do care about or at that time will care about to teach me. and whether or not they have the patience or understanding to do so will have to be up to how they chose to live their lives. i won't be able to expect them to bring me up to maturity. i can't expect them to teach me things i should have already been taught.

i struggle with concepts, i hurt to find answers, i read quotes, and study images, and dissect film, but some things i just don't think you can learn from 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person accounts. somethings you just need to discover and comprehend on your own. and its those things that terrify me.

This is my baseline. this is how i feel right now.

in search of beauty

2008-12-26T18:57:00.003-07:00

New Years resolutions...

1) Utilize my sketchbook more than i currently do.
2) be better about email organization
3) update this silly blog more often. even if its only a couple of sentences.
4) as always: be more outgoing.

Baseball Into Hockey

2008-12-21T02:46:00.003-07:00

Sad Sad Song

2008-12-20T11:08:00.001-07:00

This is a sad sad song about leaving
This is the price you pay when you purchase a feeling
It's where the conversation slowly fades and you start saying
"Hey there, do you have a ride for me?
'Cause it's late and I've got to go to bed."
This is a sweet sweet song about beginnings
These are the first few words that you say in the morning
It's when you start singing, "Hey, I'm only (insert your age here)"
Hallelujah, it's a brand new day (a-chicka quack quack)
Hallelujah, it's a brand new day

Link to the song by Ze Frank

Arts works

2008-12-18T14:16:00.003-07:00

Hey Ladies and Gents,

I just wanted to show off my pieces from the "Consider This:" group exhibition I was apart of recently for those of you who weren't able to make it.

I'm also done with school. forever. I have mixed emotions about that. perhaps i'll elaborate later.

I also wanted to share with you guys some some other interactive pieces I have been working on. Click the links below to view them.

"TRex Earth"

"Integral Fibers of the Social Fabric"

I hope all is well with all of you kids. :D

The End.

2008-12-08T23:50:00.003-07:00

I feel bittersweet today.

One of the things i wanted to ensure about this space was that it never became too personal. So i won't go into details. That doesn't mean i can't come to love this place and all the people involved. but it does mean it can't be a full reflection of who i am.

That reminds me of a conversation i had with my friend Sarah the other day. We were discussing having the ability to read someone, to be able to see right through them. and whether or not that was a good or bad thing.

Some people love to be mysterious, to have no single person know everything about them. they love to keep things to themselves and to bask in the knowledge that only they may know. They can listen for hours, days even, to other people, but rarely show their hand. They are the absorbers. the ones who are capable of holding vast amounts of insight and secrets and data.

others love to share every little detail. they are the storytellers. something happens and the first thing they begin to think of is how to weave it into a story. They wear their heart on their sleeve and secrets are cumbersome and need to escape. They love discussion and analysis. this can get them in trouble.

i see myself as a storyteller. which i think all of you would probably agree with. i find mediums in which to express narratives and i love to get them out there. take this very blog for instance.

Needless to say, Sarah made a comment about how she could read me, or see right through me. i think i carry myself that way. i tend to leave very little to the imagination. I love the idea of presenting everything i have all the time, to give everyone an idea of who truly is behind the read goatee. To see what works and what doesn't, to understand my shortcomings and my flaws.

and while looking at that i'm not sure how i feel about it. it could be a mistake. mysterious people tend to be able to pull the strings better. they tend to be able to play the game more efficiently.

regardless of what is correct or incorrect, that is how i feel today.
bittersweet.

P.S. i'd love to meet some new people. I hope Lint and i are able to come up with a plan for our secret mission. it would be fun just as an adventure, if nothing else.

sometimes i close my eyes and wish for a new perspective.

A Date Which Will Live In Infamy.

2008-12-07T14:57:00.007-07:00

time to get serious.

2008-12-05T02:21:00.003-07:00

I'd really love to update this more often. once every day or two. and i'd love to include the everyday artwork that i do, that no one ever usually gets to see. what do you guys think?

I've got amazing friends. I owe Tyler so much, and i'm so profoundly happy to know that we have been friends for so long even with us somehow constantly finding ourselves at different schools. You know it's a good friend when distance has no bearing. I'd never let my boy go down like that. I always will be there beside when trouble or excitement strikes, and i KNOW you will do the same.

Lint, Evan, Austin, Chris, Nick, Caitlin, Christine, Brian- things will be changing soon for all of us. some of us will be heading away to far off lands, while others of us will dive deep into the commited region of a relationship that won't necessarily find a space for friends. whatever the case, you guys have all changed my life, and i sincerely thank you for it. I never want to lose touch with any of you and i hope that the challenges will do nothing but bring us all closer.

Kim- you are my sister. i am required to love you. but i lucked out. cuz i do love you. so i never need to pretend. you are a good friend. a support. a caring ear. the perfect sister.

Mom and Pop- I owe you everything that i am and have been and will become, becaues i am the product of both of you (for better or worse). You guys have done, are doing, and will do so much for me that it boggles the mind. you have shown me how to be truly myself intellectually, physically, emotionally, mentally, philosophically and most important creative/artistically. I could say "thank you" 57 million times and it would still not be enough.

I just don't want any of you thinking that i take you for granted, and for once in my life i wanted to thank you for helping me along this strange journey.

Pizza

2008-12-01T14:57:00.003-07:00

I dropped off my artwork at the Dairy Center for the Arts today.

If you are reading this, then you are in the demographic of people i want at the opening. Bring a friend! free food.

Dairy Center for the Arts
Dec 5th Friday
5-7pm

_____________________________________________________________________

I want to write a meaningful blog because of how emotionally torn i am right now, but i can't find the words. i'll try and come back and put my thoughts down later.

I have something to confess. I cried today. on the bus no less. Pretty embarrassing. Jimmy Eat World's "Hear You Me" came on my Ipod and i lost it. Please don't think any less of me.

Pizza Party.

To Know my Enemy...

2008-11-21T13:44:00.003-07:00

Some people have alot of really smart things to say.

as i grow up, and learn and absorb more and more knowledge (both book and street smarts), it has become blaringly obvious that you can't trust what every person says. As a natural part of life, people gain the ability to discern who is normally full of shit and who is normally fairly honest.

Now, I think you kids are smart enough to go past the normal gossip, and dive into the pool of deeper thought. I'm talking about discussions based on life principles, on theories and ideas. On concepts.

there are certain kids who i can listen to for hours at a time and almost every conversation brings me to new ideas and forces me to question concepts i once found concrete. Some people are at a seat of fame based on this ability (Ze Frank, academics, Charlie Kaufman, etc) and others are just ordinary people, friends, brothers, wives... walking around everyday with those enlightened ideas in that magnificent skull of their's.

The major problem here is that there are 3 types of people when it comes to this notion. 1) Conceptually enlightened people, 2) conceptually unenlightened folks, 3) conceptually enlightened people who don't have the proper ability to articulate their ideas.

without the power of articulation there is no way to express or display such ideas. It's rather a shame. To stand and watch someone struggle to express an idea properly is torturous. It can be frustrating, but i think it's important to realize that just because someone doesn't express their ideas and concepts well, it doesn't mean they don't possess the ability.

I don't mean to ridicule those without a vast conceptual base (as i am sure, many people would tell you that i belong in this camp myself). I think these people are the ones that find the most joy in life. they aren't weighed down by analysis and comparison. They just live. They just enjoy it.

Regardless of whether or not i have good ideas and concepts, i think constantly. on the bus, in my bed, at the computer typing a blog... my mind has trouble shutting down, and sometimes i find myself envying those that don't analyze everything they experience.

I love ideas and concepts, i love to find my own, i love to be enlightened by others, i love to learn and to feast at the table of knowledge. but sometimes i wish i could take a break, or a vacation. Normal forms of recreation don't necessarily work for me. Books, TV, movies, video games all bring with them inherint concepts that relate directly to how i view the world, and i am left having a conceptual dialogue with myself and those recreational mediums. Sports? nope. you watch a hockey game and i find myself analyzing plays and positioning.

What is the point of all this?

I want to thank everyone who over the years have given me inspiration, concepts, ideas, meaning, love, friendship, emotion, philosophies, dreams, stories, narratives, images, a pat on the back, a kind word, a constructive criticism...

...the feeling of belonging.

thank you.

laughter sounds alot like crying

2008-11-16T22:45:00.004-07:00

ok, so inside jokes. funny to those "on the inside" not funny to those on the "outside."

Besides alienating those not included in the joke, the joke has absolutely no context. it's not funny in the setting it is now presented.

kid A: "WHOA! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE SOME SKID MARKS!"

kids A-C: HA ha ha h AHA HAHHA HHA Hhahhah HA HA hahhah

kid D: ".... i don't get it."

kid C: "well one time, kid B was running down these stairs and totally ate it! and as we went to see if he was ok, he said "whoa! that's gonna leave some skid marks!"

kid E: "oh... sounds pretty funny."

kid A: "Guess you had to be there."

exactly. had to be there. had to have the comment put into it's proper context. without that setting, the joke is nothing. and even with a pseudo context (the description of the place in which the joke took place) it is still lacking.

I love inside jokes.

I hate when other people have them and i don't understand.

i extremely hate when i have them and my friends or i say them within a context in which it doesn't belong, like a group of people unfamiliar with that place, and there is that moment in which you realize that they feel alienated, and you realize you alienated them.

And that is my love/hate relationship with inside jokes.

*bows*

Seaside View

2008-11-13T00:34:00.004-07:00

Zero to One.

Bridging the gap.

One of the most Earth shattering Ze Frankisms.

Do you know how hard it is to go from zero to one? to have an empty digital painting (zero pixels filled in) to fill in that first pixel? zero to one. it's harder to place that single pixel than it is to fill in pixels 2-1,000,000.

not an artist? don't get what i'm talking about? let me try again.

You are writing an essay (or a poem, or a love letter, or a facebook status, or a... blog). it is harder to bridge the gap from no words to one word than it is to go from 1 word to 7 pages.

zero to one.

I think i struggle with this problem more than any other. once i start i can hardly be torn from my work, but getting started is like pulling teeth.

I just love how simplistic that term can be. zero to one. 0 -> 1. it overly simplifies a dilemna that can seem overly daunting. staring at a blank canvas can be one of the most lonely and overwhelming experiences ever. if you start off poorly the entire thing will end up poorly. if the first stroke is incorrect, how can the others that follow it be any better?

That's when voice number 2 jumps in. "just do it, pansy, you can always paint over it later."

"but that's no good, cuz then i might get stuck in the infinite loop of creating poorly and then uncreating."

"don't think of it that way. go for it. try your best. don't panic. just jump in. get wet. very few rewards are found in life without risk."

that's what i love about the phrase. it simplifies an ambiguous obstacle. it's not a blank canvas. its only a zero. put some paint up. see how it fits. now you have one. and now you are rolling. momentum is on your side. you may make mistakes, but hell, that's how you learn.

I just wanted to let all of you know that whenever you get the opportunity; jump the gap between zero and one. don't hesitate. jump it. at the very worst it will become practice for a time when jumping that gap will be pivotal, and you can think to yourself "i've gone from zero to one a million times, no sweat."

zero to one.
bittersweet.

Disenfranchised

2008-11-10T19:17:00.004-07:00

Today brought about one of the most strange experiences of my entire life.

A few days back while standing in a circle of guys discussing and analyzing the insanely bloody nature of Gears of War 2, and more importantly how awesome it would be when they all played it together over the slippery wet tubes of the wild interwebs, it hit me that it has been a good while since i not only bought a new game, but got excited enough to pre order one.

In fact the last time this happened was with Valve's epically incredibly game Half Life 2: Episode 2 and Team Fortress 2. The preordering experience is a very extreme one. It means there is something that is so exciting that you are willing to throw down money well in advance of getting to enjoy it, just to lay claim to the joy of the game as soon as its released.

So I decided to just get excited about a game. I'm not talking about false excitement. but to actually become excited. So excited that money becomes a secondary priority in the equation. Now I realize that if you did this on a regular basis then you would surely become broke very quickly, but once in a blue moon, as a way of spoiling yourself is acceptable. right?

I wander into my nearest video game store and say I want to preorder Mirror's Edge. Now this game's main character is my newest fictional crush, finding a home in such places as my desktop background and even my phone's background. A gorgeous, self determined female with realistic body measurements, and a kick ass attitude. I'm buying an engagement ring tomorrow.

But i digress.

They tell me that, although the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 versions are coming out this week, the PC version (the one i had gone in to preorder due to my lack of either of those consoles) wouldn't be coming out til January.

Seriously? January?

So suddenly there I stand. I had ventured out to become unamored in a video game, and make it my own, something I loved by myself. Something I could love without worrying which games all my friends were enjoying together. To be able to enjoy it in the safe confines of my own room. To be able to think about it while all my consoled friends discussed their newest co-op campaigns they all partook in together.

I wanted to be able to proclaim my independence from the ultra expensive consoles, and yell to the heavens that I didn't need to spill my savings onto the laps of uncreative, mad lib, corporations in order to enjoy video games. I wanted to state my utter satisfaction and faith in the PC as a gaming machine.

...and what happened?

the PC let me down. The two games I have most looked forward to (Mirror's Edge and Endwar) are both coming out this month on the 360 and ps3, but PC users will have to wait til January and March respectively.

I have never felt so disenfranchised in my entire life. I realize it is just a video game we are talking about. But imagine putting your entire belief system behind something and then having all its flaws thrown in your face. and you then realize how ignorant you had been. I felt like i was punched in the gut in the middle of GameSpot.

more ignorant than the consoled friends? no. less? no. Ignorant for different reasons? absolutely.

I came home and almost instantly bid on a 360 on ebay. One must look at the reasons for why i did it to fully understand my predicament. To be able to play with my friends on Xbox Live? no. They are just fine playing without me, and I would only hamper their elite skills they have worked up in the preciding years.

To fall into the trend? perhaps. but i like to think that's not why.

To get revenge on the PC? EXACTLY. I have been nothing but insanely nice to it, going as far as promoting it over the consoles to all that would listen to me. and this is how it repays me? with a multiple month waiting period while my friends all enjoy what I have come to desire?

Anyway, all day I was struggling with why I had been left to feel so lost. And the only way I could think to tackle such an issue was to try and take it apart piece by piece, be brutally honest with myself, and try to reassemble my emotions in a way that would allow me to see what was at the core of every feeling and to see how they all fit together.

None of these consoles have won me over. In fact they have all alienated me fairly badly. But a man needs his video games. And now I stand stuck in a purgatory of disenfranchisement, with four seperate video game systems calling out my name.

Risk and Reward

2008-11-09T16:09:00.004-07:00

Last night a few friends and I played some good ol' fashioned Risk.

I think it's interesting how similar to life Risk is. You can organize things and pick and choose your battles as much as possible, but when it all comes down to it, its nothing more than a roll of a dice. You can do things to try and improve your odds, but that's just it, improving odds. You and I are never guaranteed anything, not Western North America, not love, not a college degree, not Egypt, not anything.

Just an interesting concept that made me ponder life a bit. Visually appealing metaphors are always nice when it comes to something as ambiguous as life. right? :D

New Image Gallery

2008-11-07T16:45:00.001-07:00

Oh man, this is intense. a blog.

I always envisioned having a blog as a public journal or sketchbook, a place to express yourself. and i hope i don't disappoint myself by not staying true to my ideals of a blog.

I am very excited to become a member of the common person who is able to utilize authorship tools that were once only available to the elite. The internet is an incredible place.

I am currently working on a flash component for the website (www.hardcorefaction.com) that will hopefully blow your minds! we'll see.

a owe Evan 10 million high fives for all his help. no exaggeration.

First Post

2008-11-07T13:40:00.001-07:00

This is more of a test post than anything else.

I am just curious how everything looks. :)